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Friday, October 27, 2006

hmmm.. i had 36hours of Birthday this year!! haha.
was pretty depressed the first 12 hour. and then later, it became better. in fact, it was waaaayyyy better than wat i thought it'd be. i was sleeping and somehow at 12, i finally heard my alarm ring. and seconds later, people came into my room and jus started singing birthday song to me!! =) thank you Gadiz.

this is the Cake she bought for me. =)
and i was sooooooo surprised i tell you. later, they were having fun in my room, and Yumi, Ingrid and Gadiz were fighting. haha. it's our way of playing. a test of strength i'd say. haha!
anyways, all of us had fun. =)
i do hope i can upload more pictures, but the thing is that, we were all wearing clothes that's meant for sleeping.. looking sloppy and all. so better not!
received Cards from few of my Best Friends. namely, Ingrid, Victoire and Yumi. =)
man, i love these girls!!

also, the next day, i was in school, and Victoria (TW), Xiao Yun, TsaiMin, Gadiz and Rohit were sitting with me during breakfast. and They jus started singing Birthday song to me real loudly. causing me to feel so embarassed. but i was happy then! =) and later when i left breakfast and in the hallway, people whom i know started saying Happy Birthday to me! =) man, i was so happy. =) and Victoria (TW) dated me out after school.. hmm.. so, later in the night, i went out with Timmi, Yumi, Victoria, Joyce, Michael and Tsaimin. To Sapporo Japanese restaurant. and we're eating a lot. however, my a lot wasnt the usual all-you-can-eat a lot. because i was feeling dizzy, so didnt have much appetite. later, Timmi, Michael and Yumi got me a little card. and on the envelope, it says: " To: Mouse " haha. i was pretty puzzled. because they always call me puppy. haha. but nah. it's ok. was happy by their thought! =) Thank you! and Victoria suddenly said, you'll receive something else back in the residence, i was like.. hmm.. alrit. then, i was in the room. was getting ready to sleep. when all of a sudden, Victoria, Yuan Yuan, Jayla, Yumi, Joyce and Tsaimin came into my room and said Happy birthday to me again. they even sang Happy Birthday song when they came in. I received a Guess Handbag from Yumi, Victoria and Jayla. and a Little Halloween bear from Joyce, Yuan Yuan and Tsaimin. so Cute! haha. i'll take a picture and post it up again, together with this post.

and the next day. i was again at school like a regular day. until i ended school that Lydea told me she'll be meeting me to go for dinner. and we went to this Korean restaurant with them. and we actually ate a bit of meat and also, they bought a cake! man! the cake was delicious! haha! love it. but i was sick with fever, so i didnt eat much. heh. was on 38.8 degrees celcius! heh. but i didnt let any of them know. hehe! oh! took a bit of pictures and a video. stupid stupid stupid! haha. Lydea and i never fail to do stupid things when we get together. =) haha. but overall! it was FUN FUN FUN! i love my birthday, although it wasnt celebrated in Singapore. =) however, i'm so glad my friends from Singapore still said Happy birthday to me! they actually remembered my birthday!! i love them! and thank you LINA!! you actually called my mum to get my number and called me to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY! well! Happy birthday to you too!!

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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

12am (singapore) and i was in school, having my break.
and was reading The Crucibles by Arthur Miller. not a bad book, even though i dont quite get it.
i'm jus bored.
feeling weird here. cant seem to smile like how i used to, when i first came over. but nah, i'll learn to smile like i mean it. =)
it's 4 plus in the morning now in singapore. =) i hope everyone have a great day ahead!
i love you all~






it's not working when i say i dun care.

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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

fuck that shit.
she woke up at 6.55am. and she only got outta the toilet at 7.25am.
knowing very well i havent bathe and the bus is leaving at 7.40 latest. but she chose to stay in there for 30minutes.
she thinks it's fucking funny. but i dun!

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it's just another regular sleepless night. it's probably a choice of which i'm decided on. and that is to do my work only at night. which i dunno just wat have i been doing all afternoon when im back from school.

i'm so moody..
definitely not because of my stupid period. because it's usually on the first and second day that i will be experiencing mood swings.. and i can understand why i felt moody the last week before my period. because it's a PRE-menstrual syndrome. however, the thing is that, up till now.. i still cant understand why i'm actually feeling moody like seriously..

certainly not because of my lack of sleep either. because i feel much cheery when i dont sleep. compared to how when i sleep late and wake up early. sigh... recently, just recently, i learnt in school during my family studies.. that when people find that they have not contol over certain things, they tend to have eating disorders. because that's one thing they can have control over, the can control how much the wanna eat. which set me thinking now. i havent been sleeping early to go to school. i have been having sleepless nights, on a regular basis. why? is it because...

- i seek control over things, like how people with eating disorders do?

- but wat do i seek control over?

- i have too many assignments?

i seriously dunno. because i cant possibly be seeking for control over things when i already have control over things while im in Canada. Just wat is wrong with me? people tell me it's because i'm too stress.. but with wat? assignments? presentations? seminars? essays? peers? teacher? money? it doesnt make sense at all.. and some say it's because i'm spending my birthday overseas, which is why i'm feeling horrible. however, it is unreasonable to me, because i dont care for my birthday. to me, birthday is a day whereby my mum risked her life to have me in this world right now, and it is mum who had to go through all the pain to have me in this world. hence, it's not really MY birthday MY birthday. It's my Birth day, but it's mum's birthday..

i'm independent. i'm strong headed. and i'm firm. or at least i believe i am. so, little things like that will not be able to affect me so much. is it because i'm jus moody by nature? you know wat? my current blogskin seem to suit my mood nowadays. it's like, "when mirrors lie, when what you see just wasnt you anymore." pretty true. i jus cant seem to have as high a self-esteem as i used to have. i feel Fat. i feel Dumb. i feel so much like a Retard. i'm just a weakling now......
feeling weird. quite insecure about my whole image.

i've started my vulgarities thing again. which im gonna stop in an instant. But, when i'm moody, i jus keep swearing and swearing. it doesnt stop. and when i'm angry, i'll start screaming and shouting. and eating and binging. and giggling and laughing. and jus keeping quiet and to myself. sometimes i do wonder, why am i this way?

why?

i wanna get out of this shit. i dun wanna drown in my own misery..................

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Friday, October 20, 2006

some things happened the past few days.

arguments, quarrels and everything negative.
i'm tired of issues and i dun wan issues. but i didnt know that some things that i think is ok now, wasnt ok at all. i really dunno if i were to to back to Singapore, will i am reverse cultural shock as they call it. because i'm getting used to the culture here.. and wat i think is the norm here, might not be the norm back in Singapore. or at least to some. sigh.. i really didnt mean to do things pig-headedly.. so sorry....

and also, my period is finally here. i hope this will end my pre-menstrual syndromes. cause i'm getting tired of it. and i hope those depression and sadness in me are caused by the PMS thing, so everything will jus go away.. jus like how the wind blows things away.. oh crap, wat kinda description that is. but forget it.

hmm, i jus had another sleepless night again. doing my english ISP layout and my math, and also, my Business Leadership.. but still i didnt finish everything.. i was held up by the ISP layout, and finished my Math.. however, Business Leadership are jus a few questions, so i hope i will be able to finish them in class later and hand it up, since the Teacher is not going to teach today. and the thing is that, i've got a Lives of the Saints (novel) essay which i am suppose to work on and to be handed up today. i certainly hope i can tell him i'll hand it up on Monday, without a late penalty.... =( i'm tired, but still i'll be going to YMCA with Tsaimin and mayb after that i'll be out with Victoria(Taiwan) for a chat. and hope probably for my sign-out to be approved! because i wanna go stay over with Lydea~ as she will be coming to stay over at Victor's place for the WHOLE week. it's her study week, so shopping will be done and definitely, bubble tea will be a yes for us too.

alrit.. gotta go get ready for school as usual..

i really hope things will be better..
with all unsolved issues resolved..
with all surfacing problems to be cleared..
with all my heart, i wish so..
with all my conscience, i'm sorry..

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

well well well. it's another sleepless night for me yesterday. slept for less than 8 hours the previous day. and now, i'm back from school and gonna start my assignments and finish it. till then, i wont sleep at all. damn it. and i'm gonna do my laundry later in the night.

i pray and hope and wish that Gadiz comes back soon! damn it! i forgot my ID and because of that, i had to take a Temporary ID, by which we call it a day pass. and i was made to put something with the school. hence, i put my room keys and my access card with them. and i forgot to bring them back!!! darn!! i'm so pissed with myself. and i dun wanna go back to school. it's so stupid. i'm jus gonna get it tmr.

well, gotta get down with ma' business!! good bye~

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Friday, October 13, 2006

well, currently in school still.

it's a short period day , and im supposed to be in the residence by now. however, my roommie wants me to tag along with her to somewhere with this other guy. sigh. i was so reluctant to tag along, because i've got quite a fair amount of assignments to do. and the thing is that, my essay!!! i have to read my damn book!! to finish everything, so as to complete my essay. but sigh. never mind. shall tag along, and jus brush up tonight.

anyways, the reason why im so eager to blog currently is because, today, the highest temperature in Hamilton, Ontario is 6 degree and the lowest temperature in 0 degrees. look at that temperature!! and the thing is that, i checked the weather forecast (like how i do everyday) and my friend informed me that it might have snow showers today!!! and jus now, while waiting for the school bus to arrive in school, i overheard someone saying that it was snowing around my residence, hence, the bus took more time to arrive in Columbia International. and i'm telling you, i was freezing. my hands were numb and we were like jus Freezing!!! wahhaa! i need gloves! my hand freezes far too eaily.

and jus a moment ago, my roommie told me, IT'S SNOWING OUTSIDE!! envy me! =X
anyways, gotta go!! bye~

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Wednesday, October 11, 2006

it's a TABOO to say that i'm childish. immature. inferntile. and just child-like.

it's a hard fact for me to face. i dont like to be labelled that way.

i'm feeling pretty depressed now. i just feel like keeping away from people.

just feel like shutting up. and just mind my own business.

i never really felt the need to grow up so much in such a short time, in my entire life.

growing up is certainly an issue here for me. i'm losing that confidence. i'm losing that ego. i'm losing whatever you think is important for one's self esteem. it's so little now.

i feel ugly. i feel......... self conscious. so self conscious, i dont know wat to do. i dont feel like going anywhere. not even school. i dont wanna face my peers.

it's the kind of smile i put up everyday that still keeps me going.

I HATE MY PRESENT SELF!!

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well, did not sleep last night. like, not sleeping. and i went to school immediately. wasnt feeling very tired. jus that i felt very easily irritable. however, it wasnt as bad as how it is in Singapore. haha. so irritable, it's like i'm writing a BACK-OFF thing all over my body.

had a seminar to do, whereby i'm the advocate. and i got 17/20. a pretty good score i guess, with regards of how i actually did at that time, with my mind all blank.
and i got back my math paper. screw it up once again. although i passed. but wat is 55.5% man?!! Not working. this kinda grade? WILL GET ME NO WHERE!!!! grr. i Lack practice. insufficient knowledge of concept. foundation is shit!!! gonna use my Friday and mayb wake up early on saturday to practice. =) I NEED 95% and ABOVE FOR ALL OF MY SUBJECTS!!!!! and it's NOW OR NEVER!!!

gonna start work again. jus woke up from my 3 hour sleep. i most probably will be sleeping late again today. =) good luck to me for my Family studies test tmr. =)

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006

sorry YUMI!!

i didnt mean to say anything to hurt or affect you. please dont be pissed with me. sorry.

i didnt mean to say wat i say. i was jus kidding.

forgive me please?




wat's becoming of me? immature? hurtful?
screwed up. that's me.

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am i mature?

no. i'm not mature. i'm more of childish.

am i mature?

no, i screw up my own maturity with my childishness.

am i mature?

no. i'm still living in denial of me being childish.

am i mature?

eff it! i jolly well know i'm not.

but why?

because my action defines me. which is why i'm labelled immature.
i speak like a 12. i look like a 14. but i'm a 16 half, going 17.

wat's wrong with me?
one of my friends tells me that i should think bout wat's maturity.
i know i'm not mature. but this hit me really hard on my head. like hard as in really HARD. i was pissed when my friend said that. i was really pissed. but why should i be pissed? because he's insulting me?

no.

it's because he gave me a true verdict. one which i cant deny. one which i have no grounds of defence. no grounds of explanation.

i was screaming. i was shouting like crazy. but i broke into laughter. Incontrollable laughter. 2nd time i'm doing this. but why? because i'm laughing at myself. my own stupidity. my own childishness. it seem impossible of me to stop laughing at myself.

I cant stop laughing because while thinking i'm mature, i'm actually being childish by screaming and shouting.

i cant stop laughing because while living in denial, im actually defeated to the fact that it's time i accept that it's time i really grow up.

I cant stop laughing because..........

i dunno. so many reasons to my laughter. but i cant say it.
my room mate thinks i've got a weird way of showing my anger. she was freaked out by my sudden outbreak. wat the hell..

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Monday, October 09, 2006

i know i know, i havent been updating. (hmm.. coming to think of it, this sentence sounds so so so very familiar. maybe i should change)

Oh hi!! it's been a while since i last updated. haha. something new aye. anyways, last sunday. i went out with Roomie, Sachin, Rohit and Chia. to celebrate Chia's birthday. we went to this Chinese restaurant to have our lunch. it's a request made by Gadiz, hence we went ahead with it, jus to fulfil her. and ya. we brought a cake in and request the waitress to put into the refridgerator, thinking that we're able to have it later and use the services in the restaurant. so yea, we went ahead to make our orders and started eating without the waitress telling us anything about the cake. Until, we're done with our food, and we wanted to have the cake immediately. So, we asked the waitress to bring the cake over, and asked for clean plates and food utensils. It was then that she say we cant have our cake in the srestaurant. i was like, SHOCKED!! and we argued a little, because we were not told about not being able to have the cake in the restaurant when we hand the cake over to her. and she said something like, no outside food in the restaurant and that we have to pay an extra 1.50 if we want to have the cake in the restaurant, for the service. we were definitely pissed. but because it's Chia's birthday, we didnt wanna ruin the atmosphere, we went ahead with paying the extra 1.50. and asked for a knife, and a few plates and fork. and guess wat kinda plates she gave us, even after telling us that we've to pay for her services. she gave us STYROFOAM PLATES and PLASTIC FORK. i was like, "oh! so this is the service they call. alrit." i said it loudly and sarcastically. like please, if you expect us to pay a little more, for services, you give us the usual plates. if you wan us to pay for the extra DISPOSABLE utensils, we will pay for it definitely. but, services and utensils are of total different worlds. goodness me. but nah, nvm. it's over. i still like the food there. haha. i'm craving for the chiken wing with spicy salt. woots! i love it!!

anyways, the past week was a pretty relaxing week for me. compared to other weeks and definitely, i cant compare to the coming week. because tests, presentations and seminars are up for me!! i'm like guilty for Late penalties. because i've yet to hand up my ISP proposal. i lost my draft. damn. and i'm doing it all over again. i forgot wat i wrote. sigh. and the thing is that i cant tell my Teacher about it. he'll be so pissed and say that it's none of his business. sigh. stress.
and i realise that i havent been doing very well with work in school. somehow, im able to cope with classes. but with assignments i cant. my time management is screwed up. and i know it. tryint o do something about it. sigh. i think it's becaus eof my laptop that's around me. jus a few days ago, i ran into this Taiwanese girls' room to do my work in their toilet. this way, i dun have my laptop ith me, and i cant see wat are they having fun with. it's really nice doing homework in the toilet, it's quieter. and because i'm a right handed, i'm able to work well with their toilet. my toilet encourages lefties. but nah, i think you people wont understand. i'll take a picture of my toilet and her toilet to show you people next time.

Friday was very much a rough day for me, because i didnt feel very good while i was in school. and when i came back to the residence, i felt worse. but i still went to YMCA. because i feel fat. and the Thai guys were there. they're always there every Friday. which means im able tot leave my belongings with them. which is good and at least i dont feel so insecure if they werent there and i've to leave it somewhere else. However, i didnt do much in YMCA, i ran a bit but felt very breathless after a while and my body wasnt cooperating with me very well. so, i ended up walking quickly on the trackmill and it jus seem so that it's pretty difficult to sweat. so, i was like, whatever i worked on my abs and went up to the basketball court. sigh....... but im fine now i guess. it's because of the weather. because it's turning cold and the air is like so dry, people are falling sick. so people, PLEASE DRINK MORE WATER!!

7th October (Singapore):

Happy Birthday Javier!! I miss you!!
it was my eldest bro, Javier's birthday. pretty sed to calling him Javier already. dun mean to be rude, but come on. he's fine with it too!! =) I jus hope he had a wonderful and fulfilling birthday. I miss him, and i really do. because i used to give him annoying calls, asking him to get me this and that, and bugging him to come home early at times. and other times, i'll jus whine and complain about everything. bro!! take care aye?!

anyways, Saturday (Canada), was in the residence the whole day. i did not even step outta my residence at all!! had instant noodles of brunch and dinner. sigh. unhealthy i know, however, i cant do anything. cause i missed the brunch and dinner. wanted to go out, but no one to go out with. it's torturous. i was so hoping that someone would call my residence or my mobile, telling me, " Hey, i'm/we're at _________. do you wanna join me/us? ". but it didnt happen and i dun have much friends to go out with here. i mean, it's not that i'm staying within my comfort zone, i jus dun like to go out with someone whom i know i cant talk much to. it's difficult for the person, it's difficult for me. and today, a Sunday (Canada) i'm still in my residence, doing nothing. but blogging, reading and assignments. i feel so lifeless. i can choose to go out alone, but where? i wanna go to the fountain to seat around to read. but that also means that i will miss my dinner. sigh. mayb i'll go out after dinner. to tea hut, or the fountain, or mayb to the mountains. but if i were to go the the mountains, no one's accompanying me. sigh. i'm beginning to miss the busy city life. and i still do miss people back in singapore.

today, Gadiz went out with her bf and her group of friends to Missisauga. and after being out, she called back to the residence and asked if i wanna go along and even her bf asked to. i was like, nah. mayb not. sigh. i dunno wat i was thinking. but i really appreciate them asking. seriously. i'm glad i have a room mate like Gadiz. yet to do my laundry for this week. sigh. sometimes, i think i'm suffering from withdrawal syndromes. like, i dun wanna go out, i jus dun feel like it. if not, i jus wanna be alone as in alone. it makes me feel good about myself.

a rather long post. but i cant do anything can i? i jus need somewhere to spill my thoughts and vomit my whinings and complains. pardon me.

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Sunday, October 01, 2006

this post is rferring to some egoictic person. i'm mad as it is. and i know i shouldnt comment, since it's between the both of them. however, i need somewhere to jus let out wat i think. pardon me for all the profanities that will be upcoming soon.

I've never seen someone so egoistic in my entire life. seriously.
thinking he's so great while in that relationship. please!!!
if he really did reflect upon his actions, his speech. he will TRULY realise what he did was nothing. Nothing but stupidity. obviously, he's not mature enough to even be in a fucking relationship.
what he brought to his "darling" after the break-up was nothing but fucking TORMENTS!! mentally. emotionally.
one who keeps thinking that the other party is fucking wrong and he's fucking right, will be the party who's oh-so-fucking wrong. DAMN! when a situation arises, it needs 2 hands to clap!! have you even got enough brains to think that way or not? NO!!! yu fucking egoistic piece of rotten shit!!! you've given her enough reasons to initiate the fucking breakup.

everyone out there, especially girls. if you both have been together for quite a while, and later, you both break-up. Your boyfriend wants a few hundred bucks back from you. becaus eyou both have broken up. how will you feel? will you still think he's a Gentleman? will you still think he's all that sweet a guy? will you still think he's the person you once loved so deeply? NO!!! only fucking stupid idiots will do this kinda things. when you are willing to spend money on your partner, you should be ready that, if there's ever a break-up, the money will not come back to you!

your actions justifies how you are. your actions justifies it soooooo darn well.
you've been well covered up and forgiven with your stupid little actions.
after the whole break-up thing, all you've been thinking about was fucking you! How you feel. were you not good enough to her. why you get this treatment when you've treated her so darn well. like fucking hell!!! who fucking cares about how you feel? this jus shows that you're SELFISH!!! have you been considering how she felt? have you considered why she reacted that way? have you really understand her actions? did you try to know wat's the whole situation going? she's hiding from you. she's afraid of you. she doesnt wan to see you. she doesnt wanna hear you. she's got NOTHING to do with you now!!! STOP bugging her will you?
you're going through a bad patch, so is she? you think she feels good? hah!!! she was still reconsidering the whole breakup thing. however, it's you who did stupid things that made her so determined to shake you off her life. hence, stop clinging on!!! you confronted her friend. making ASSUMPTIONS that both are together. making ASSUMPTIONS that she cheated on you. instead of asking her wat's going on nicely. instead of asking her wat did you do that made her unhappy. you fucking make assumptions. POOD HIA AH LAI WA!!! wat the fuck are you fucking thinking about? you say you know her? fuck off!!! how much exactly do you know her? if you know her well enough, she's not the kinda girl who will cheat on her boyfriend. however, she's the kinda girl who will get back at you when you do her wrong. BUT!!! she doesnt even bother getting back at you now. why? because you're not worth a piece of shit to her!!!

DESPORADO will be wat i fucking label you, you fucking boy!!! a boy is wat i'll label you too!! why? because your inferntile. immature. irresponsible. self-centered. vengeful.

while you were sick on that faithful "chilly night" as you said. you wanted to talk to her badly. and she asked you to go to rest. it's obvious she cares and just wan to see you get well soon. she's being REALISTIC!!! it's so obvious you didnt grow up!! she thought you were mature. she thought you'd take good care of her. however, you failed her. you failed her as a boyfriend. as a soulmate. as a pillar. you're condemned you get it?! condemned!!! dampened to the deepest and darkest place in the whole world.

stupidity have overwhelmed you. revenge has gotten the better of you. selfishness has contained you. it's time you truly reflect upon that egoistic self. those selfish actions. those contradicting and ironic speech. dont pretend and deny that you're not at fault. you jolly well know why. in case you dunno. you restricted her too much. it came to a point wherby she couldnt take it no more. think about it. spend more time doing reflections than to spend time thinking bout how to get back at her. however, i doubt you'd do it. because you're too selfish to.

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