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Thursday, December 07, 2006 i hate the way everything is now.i hate the way i am now. screwed up and everything. however, i really dunn wat to do. and everything seem jus so messed up. i wanna do everything right, but everything jus seem so wrong. wanna deny that everything is not totally me, but, i guess it is. my peers here, are becoming strangers to me. i jus wanna go back to singapore and start everything all over again. but i'm still determined to stay here, because i jus wan my parents to be happy. i like the way they smile and everything. cried myself to sleep last night, because i jus feel so bad about everything. everything is wrong. everything is jus going haywire. i thought i had friends here. but obviously, that's not the case. character and mindset are my downfall i guess. Lydea says that our personality are almost the same, for us, our character is more like a guy i guess, and we're much more open minded. but the way i am is not accepted here. i'm so tired of always explaining myself. i thought i'd be able to be the way i am after mixing with another group. but no.. that's jus not the case. i've changed for the worse i guess. mayb not the same as before, which is why they cannot accept me. Jordan, Michelle and Ben once told me, "if you think wat you're doing is right, then jus go ahead with it, dun care about wat others say." i wan to do jus that. but it's easier said than done. throughout my entire semester here in Columbia International College, i've been doing essays and essays about marginalization, and jus as i least expect it, i'm marginalized. By the people i deem closer to. just dumb enough to be stupid. 和从前不一样了。。。 试着改变，但越改越糟。 我越来越讨厌上学。 最近感觉上越来越没去上课。 我最近真的不知道该怎么样才好，该怎么样才对。 只盼望有一天， 我周围的人能够完全接受我的愚蠢，我的无理头。 最近也想到了一件事， 可能是在这边发生了很多事， 也看了很多事， 让我想到这个问题。。 有没有人能告诉我， 依靠与恋爱，到底有何不同？ 因为，依靠与恋爱很容易搞乱。 所以花了我两夜的时间，还未找到正确的答案。 baby, 我只想抱在你怀里哭。。 带我回到从前那骄傲，自信，又开朗的自己。 我已厌倦自己现在的生活模式。 |
