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Tuesday, October 24, 2006 it's just another regular sleepless night. it's probably a choice of which i'm decided on. and that is to do my work only at night. which i dunno just wat have i been doing all afternoon when im back from school.i'm so moody.. definitely not because of my stupid period. because it's usually on the first and second day that i will be experiencing mood swings.. and i can understand why i felt moody the last week before my period. because it's a PRE-menstrual syndrome. however, the thing is that, up till now.. i still cant understand why i'm actually feeling moody like seriously.. certainly not because of my lack of sleep either. because i feel much cheery when i dont sleep. compared to how when i sleep late and wake up early. sigh... recently, just recently, i learnt in school during my family studies.. that when people find that they have not contol over certain things, they tend to have eating disorders. because that's one thing they can have control over, the can control how much the wanna eat. which set me thinking now. i havent been sleeping early to go to school. i have been having sleepless nights, on a regular basis. why? is it because... - i seek control over things, like how people with eating disorders do? - but wat do i seek control over? - i have too many assignments? i seriously dunno. because i cant possibly be seeking for control over things when i already have control over things while im in Canada. Just wat is wrong with me? people tell me it's because i'm too stress.. but with wat? assignments? presentations? seminars? essays? peers? teacher? money? it doesnt make sense at all.. and some say it's because i'm spending my birthday overseas, which is why i'm feeling horrible. however, it is unreasonable to me, because i dont care for my birthday. to me, birthday is a day whereby my mum risked her life to have me in this world right now, and it is mum who had to go through all the pain to have me in this world. hence, it's not really MY birthday MY birthday. It's my Birth day, but it's mum's birthday.. i'm independent. i'm strong headed. and i'm firm. or at least i believe i am. so, little things like that will not be able to affect me so much. is it because i'm jus moody by nature? you know wat? my current blogskin seem to suit my mood nowadays. it's like, "when mirrors lie, when what you see just wasnt you anymore." pretty true. i jus cant seem to have as high a self-esteem as i used to have. i feel Fat. i feel Dumb. i feel so much like a Retard. i'm just a weakling now...... feeling weird. quite insecure about my whole image. i've started my vulgarities thing again. which im gonna stop in an instant. But, when i'm moody, i jus keep swearing and swearing. it doesnt stop. and when i'm angry, i'll start screaming and shouting. and eating and binging. and giggling and laughing. and jus keeping quiet and to myself. sometimes i do wonder, why am i this way? why? i wanna get out of this shit. i dun wanna drown in my own misery.................. |
