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Tuesday, June 14, 2005 Have you ever felt, like you're on the edge of breaking down?it's like, you're so high up on the hill, but somehow, you fell to the pit of it all of a sudden.. Life is short.. so short that, i'm still not ready to accept my aunt's illness.. i know i cant do anything to help.. but i'm praying and praying that she'll recover.. her sons are still so young.. the der one hasnt got his N and O levels cert yet.. an the younger one, hasnt had his PSLE yet.. how can she think of giving up so easily? she promised to be strong and go on.. she promised to fight the Cancer cells..how can she jus wanna give up and let the cells win? wat happened? hearing that she dun have much time to live, has already affected mi enough.. and hearing that she wants to give up today, jus hurts mi so.. i wan her to live.. i know it aint up to mi.. but i jus wan her to.. if she give up so easily, isnt it a waste of my uncle's energy? a waste of his time? his money? and most importantly, the love he "invested" in her.. he could've left her in the lurch jus after knowing that she has cancer.. why did he bother to go on, taking care of her? aunt, why cant you be more optimistic? i know it's difficult to go on this way.. but your will of living must be strong! you cannot give up! everyone are praying for your survival! sigh.. who am i to speak somehow.... had an argument with Nad jus now.. it all started with mi.. but she was being quite ridiculous for picking on mi as and when she likes after wat happened.. sighs.. was hurt enough already.. and adding on to my mother's screams later, because i was using the phone.. i was on the verge of breaking down already.. jus so close to it.. i'm feeling so frustrated.. i cant focus with my studies.. my aunt's giving up.. mum's constant nagging.. dad and javier aint home.. occasions and occasions of argument with Nad.. i'm so holding back my tears.. i dun wanna quarrel with mum, and definitely with Nad.. wat's happening in my family? why has it gotta be my aunt? why cant the cancer cells jus not develop in anyone's body? i'm gasping for air.. i appear to be happy.. to be a slacker.. why? because i'm wearing a mask, which i shouldnt even be.. i'm trying to be as happy as i can whenever i'm out.. but when the thought of everything comes, my whole mood jus gets so affected.. people might wanna ask, why am i so different from my public persona.. basically because, i dun wan others who dun know mi well, to keep asking wat's going on.. concern, may be the word to why they ask.. thanks, i really appreciate it.. but sometimes, it jus gets irritating.. i love my family.. i love people around mi.. regardless of, who they are.. whether they are my enemies or not, i still love em'.. why? because we're all human.. all of the same species.. i wan them to be blessed.. i wan them to be.. sigh.. why cant they jus be so?..... |
