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Sunday, January 16, 2005 Sigh.. Am I Jus Being ParaNoid Or Wat..... I Dunno..Emptiness, Confusion Fills Mi.. I Dunno Wat To Say, Dunno Wat To Feel.. I'm Not That KuanLi That People Used To know.. I'm SomeOne, Who's Like A Shadow.. I'm Not As Cheerful, Not As PlayFul, Not As Self IndulGent And Self confidence As Before.. I Live In A world Of Emptiness.. with No one To rely On.. I Know There's People Like, Sandy, Ting, Melody, Elita And Elmo To Turn To.. But They, Themselves Have Problems.. And I Dun Wanna Add On Problems For Them AnyMore.. As For My Family.. I've Simply No One To Turn To.. Honestly.. I Find It Hard To Open Up my Heart To them.. Find It Extremely Difficult To Talk To Them.. Why? Because, Their My Family Members.. People Whom I've Known Since I was In My Mum's womb.. You May Say, They're Close To Mi, Cause I See Them And Interact with Them Everyday.. But, Do I Really Interact With them Everyday? Am I Really Close To Them? No, I'm Not And I Dun.. I Feel So Distant.. So Near Yet So Far.. Feel Like A ToTal Stranger To them.. I see Detests In Their Eyes.. DeTests when They See Mi.. I Dunno Why..... Im Emotionally Scarred.. Feel So Insecure Everyday, Whenever I'm Home.. I Wanna Run, But I cant.. I Wanna Leave Home, I wanna Leave And Never To Come Back.. But I cant.. Why Am I Turning Into someOne Like tHat.. I Hate MySelf.. I Despise MySelf.. More than Anyone Does.. I'm facing Problems, Problems that I Was Never Courageous Enough To Face.. Even Until now.. But, I'm Forced To.. I Can Run Away From it, But I cant Hide.. I'm Becoming So Self Conscious.. So Resistant.. I Resist My Family Members.. I Resist People Close To Mi.. I'm Afraid Of Hurting Them.. Afraid They'll Hurt Mi.. I'm Gasping For Breath.. I Cant Breathe.. I'm Struggling With My Life.. Myself.. My Own Character.. Am I Irritating? Am I So Dislikable? Is Something wrong With Mi? Why Do They Detest Mi? Wat DId I Do? These Question Keep Ringing In My Brain.. I Cant stop MySelf From Feeling This Way.. No One Can Help Mi.. i Have To Help Myself.. But Am I? I Lay In bed Every Night.. Hoping To Sleep.. but Once I Close My eyes, I Jus Cant Fall asleep.. No matter How Tired I Am.. Especially When I'm Alone.. Everytime When I try To Cheer MySelf up, I Laugh At Everything.. But, I Still cant Seem To Be really Happy.. It's An Act.. I Dun wan These.. Can you people Hear Mi Screaming? Can you People See How I am? Can You People Understand How I Feel? No, No One can.. Even My Closest Kin Cant.. Even I, Myself Dun Understand Myself Already.. Am I Jus Going Through One Of The Bad Patch In My Life? Can I Overcome It? Can I See My Rainbow? The Answer To These Questions Are So Unsure.. i Feel Like I'm Breaking Down Soon.. This Feeling Is Worst Than Dying.. I Dun wanna Die.. But I wanna Die, So As To End All These.. But Will Death really End Everything? Is It Worth It? i'm Contradicting My Own Statement.. I DunN Wat I'm Saying.. I Guess It's All Words From My Broken Heart.. I'm crying.. But why? Am I Going to Cry Myself To Sleep Again? Does My Family Know About My Problems? Will They Know? Will They Sit Down And Listen To Mi, If I Ever Pour My Feelings To Them? I Dunno.. Will My parents Shut Mi Up, the Moment I Speak? Will They Say I'm Immature? Will They Jus.............. I Cant Take It AnyMore! I'm Frightenened! Where's My Lord? Where's My Saviour? Where's my Angel that's Suppose To Be Here Whenever I Need Him/Her? Sandy Baby.. I Need You! Ting Dearie.. I Want You! Elita Darling.. I Love You! Mellie Sweetie.. I Miss You! |
